Things I'm Not Allowed to do at Hogwarts
by Nerdy-Loves-You
Summary: It may be a little overdone, but whatever. 586 things I am not allowed to do at Hogwarts.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: I know this topic might be a little over-done, but I don't want to start with anything too complicated… So, my first one will be 586 short drabbles. (Unless I combine some of the rules, which I probably will) So, enjoy!**

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**1. I will not poke Hufflepuffs with spoons, nor will I insist that their House colors indicate that they are "covered in bees".**

"I'm bored!" complained a raven haired boy with gray eyes. "Moony, you should entertain me."

"Moony" looked up from the book he held in his hands. "Padfoot, shouldn't you be catching up on your homework? You know the stuff the professors assigned while you were in the infirmary?"

Padfoot laughed. "Nonsense, Remus! Why on Earth would I do such a thing?" But then his face turned serious and he threw himself onto Remus's bed dramatically. "I want to do something interesting!"

Remus groaned and shut his book. "You want something to do?" he asked, and Padfoot nodded eagerly. "Alright, Sirius… here." Remus reached into his sleeve and pulled out a spoon, which he had planning to use if order to eat his pudding later.

Sirius took the gleaming spoon in his hand. "Now go bother someone else." Moony grumbled before going back to his book.

So Sirius was left to wander the grounds alone. He was sulking about being bored, still clutching to his spoon. "What the hell am I supposed to do with a spoon?" he asked out loud.

As if his question had been answered, a group of Hufflepuffs exited the castle. Sirius grinned, an idea forming in his mind. He chased after them. "Oy! Hufflepuff!" he shouted, and they all turned around as one. A handsome third year was the one to speak up.

"Black, I'm really not-"he began, but Sirius cut him short, poking him in the chest with the spoon.

"Hufflepuffs are so squishy!" Sirius commented, and with each poke, he added a "Poke! Poke! Poke!"

The group of Hufflepuffs stared at him in disbelief, but Sirius continued, moving the spoon to poke him between the eyes. "Are you guys covered in bees? I mean, look at you! Black and yellow? Did your founder hate you or something?" he rambled.

Before Sirius could do any more damage to the poor Hufflepuff students, Remus was at the scene, dragging him away. "I should have known not to give you a spoon!" he was scolding himself. As he was being dragged away, Sirius was grinning. He wasn't bored any longer.

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**A/N: Well, I thought it was cute! Well, review if you want. It won't affect how fast I update, though. I'll update when the next one is written, not much argument there.**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: I'm so glad this got two good reviews ^.^ Thanks for taking your time out, and here's the next one, though it won't be as good. No Sirius… D:**

2. No matter how good a fake Australian accent I can do, I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures class.

It was a typical day for the combined Gryffindor and Slytherin Care of Magical Creatures class. The birds were singing, Professor Kettleburn was lecturing, and Fred and George were being… Well, Fred and George.

The red-headed twins were never well-behaved. They were smirking like idiots, as always. Then, Fred began to speak. "Crikey, George!" he exclaimed, slapping his brother on the back. "Well ain't this one a beaut?" he continued, gesturing to the giant hippogriff. George nodded enthusiastically.

"Might like to fry some of this here creature up on the barbie!" he shouted, much to a few students horrors. They were both speaking in fake Australian accents. Professor Kettleburn was silent and just stared at them. "Fred, George, where did you learn such a thing?"

The two grinned, and in perfect unison, the responded, "Why, dear Professor, are you not familiar with Steve Irwin?" When the professor shook his head, Fred gave a mock gasp as George continued. "Well, blimey, sir! One would think that with your profession, you and him would be best mates!" Fred nodded in agreement.

"Who showed you this?"

"I did, Professor." Spoke out a timid Muggle girl. "They saw my magazines of him, so they decided to watch it. I had no idea they'd take it this far!" she exclaimed.

Fred and George grinned. "Crikey!" they said in unison. "Looks like that big blokes taken a chomp out of your arm!" Fred finished. Professor Kettleburn turned with alarm. Sure enough, they were right. The hippogriff decided to use his arm as a snack. "Class dismissed." He said weakly.

**A/N: There you have it. It was a little hard, since I never took a liking to Steve Irwin. Sorry if this is extremely terrible. Again, updates when I get one… And reviews, if you'd like. But I won't beg for them.**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Again, great response to these! Well, even if there was a bad response, I'd still keep posting, so you're stuck with me.**

3. "I've heard every possible joke about Oliver Wood's name" is not a challenge.

It started off a quiet and peaceful night in the Gryffindor common room. Hermione was reading, Ginny was working on her Charms homework, and Ron and Harry were staring blankly at their Potions essay. Oliver Wood was talking Quidditch strategies with Katie Bell, of course.

Suddenly, there was a loud crash. Hermione looked up, a worried look on her face. Ron had a queasy look on his. "I think that would be Fred and George." As if on cue, the two came barreling downstairs, their hair slightly singed. As they opened their mouths, Hermione held up her hand. "I don't want to know." Everyone else in the room agreed.

The twins shrugged and made their way over to Oliver. "So, Wood, isn't that like—" George began but Oliver glared at them. "Don't even try, Weasely." He told them boredly. "I've heard every possible joke about my last name." The twins grinned at each other and said, "Challenge accepted." In perfect unison.

Almost fifteen minutes later, Ginny, Ron, Harry, Hermione, and Katie had fled the room. "Oh what about-!" Fred began, but Oliver groaned. "Fred, George, that wasn't a challenge!" he exclaimed, getting up from his seat.

"But did you hear any of those?" George asked.

Oliver slowly shook his head. "No, now if you would be as kind enough to let me go, I must get the brain bleach, and quick!" he exclaimed before racing up to his dorm.

Fred and George smirked at each other. "Missions accomplished."


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: *Special amazing chapter* Well, I got an idea from one of my reviewers, and even though it's not on the list I'm using… I will do it, because the idea made me smile. ^.^ So, here you go! Also, these are not mine, at all. /Demonic_angel/hogwarts That is the list I am using. I might skip a couple, though.**

Special amazing rule: Never poke a sleeping Slytherin. (also in this chapter: 10. If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that fact and draw a Dark Mark on their arm, 92. Crucifixes do not ward off Slytherins, and I should not test that, 95. The proper way to report to Professor McGonagall is "You wanted to see me, Professor?" Not "I have it on good authority that you have no evidence", 103. Professor Snape does not enjoy being called "Snookums", 104. -Neither does he respond favorably to "Sev", "Snapey-Poo" or "Debbie", 127. I should not ask Professor McGonagall if, while in cat form, she has ever coughed up a hairball. Figured I'd kill two birds with one stone, eh?)

"I have it on good authority that you have no evidence," stated a boy with red hair. He was no older than 14, and had a big, cheeky grin on his face. The professor peered over the edge of her papers.

"Excuse me?" she asked, stiffly.

The boy cleared his throat, now nervous. The cheeky smirk dissolved from his face. "Nothing, Professor McGonagall." He responded glumly.

"That's what I thought. Now Mr. Weasley, what exactly have you done to receive so many detentions?"

Fred couldn't help but grin at the thought. "I'll start from the beginning, then." He seemed to be going into his own little world.

"It all started this morning, in potions," he began. "I was being a good little Gryffindor, doing my potions works, when I noticed one of the Slytherins taking a nap. Being the curious child that I was, I decided to poke him."

"Wait, you poked him?"

"Yes, ma'am, I poked a sleeping Slytherin. But I haven't finished, ma'am. Since poking him didn't work, I took this rare opportunity to draw a work of art on his arm."

"You mean the Dark Mark?"

"Yes. Anyways, after he had woken up, he seemed extremely upset, so I did the only logical thing. I took a girl's crucifix she had and tried to ward him off like the demon he was."

"You tried to ward off-"

"Ma'am, I believe I am telling the story here." Fred interrupted. "Anyways, he seemed to be extremely upset, for some reason. So then Snape-"

"Professor Snape." She corrected him.

"Whatever, he came over to my table to yell at me, and then we had a conversation something like this..."

Snape walked over to the table, fuming.

"What's up, Snookums?" Fred asked calmly, leaning back in his chair.

"What did you say?"

"Oh, you don't like Snookums? How about Sev? Snapey-Poo? I personally prefer Debbie, though!" Fred replied.

"Mr. Weasley, that will be 100 points from Gryffindor!"

McGonagall's mouth was hanging wide open. "Fred, did you really-"

Fred grinned and nodded. "I did, professor."

McGonagall sighed in frustration and leaned her head back, trying to think. Fred then interrupted her thoughts.

"McGonagall, I have a question. In cat form, have you ever coughed up a hairball?"

"Detention Weasley!"


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: I never expected to get so many good things about this story… But, as long as people are reading, I'll just have to keep writing, won't I? I want to apologize really quick for totally disappearing for quite a bit. There was a lot of stuff going on and for a while and I didn't have a computer. When I finally got a computer, though, I had lost all of my documents; therefore I had forgotten I was writing this! But enough rambling, here is your newest chapter!**

**Rules: ****45. I will not offer to prepare tandoori owl. 356. Please do not tell 1st years that the fried chicken is really Kentucky Fried Owl. 564: I will not let my owl claw out the eyes of the Slytherins. 15. I will not tie-dye all of the owls.**

All was quiet, perhaps a bit too quiet. Remus Lupin, a seventh year Gryffindor student, was reading under one of the trees on the grounds. His eyes peered over his book, searching for his friends. As he scanned the scattered groups, he saw the two black haired friends of his standing with a group of first years. This could only mean trouble.

Shutting his book, he got to his feet. As he made his way closer to the group of first years, he began to pick up the conversation. "Yeah, that fried chicken we get at lunch isn't really chicken." Said the boy named James Potter.

"It's actually fried owl," added Sirius Black. Several of the students froze, others looked close to tears. Now this, Remus could not allow. He picked up his pace and approached them faster, slapping his friends in the back of the head.

"Don't scare the first years." He scolded harshly.

James and Sirius scowled and rubbed their heads. "Moony! No need to be so harsh! You never let us have any fun!" Sirius whined as James nodded in agreement.

Remus rolled his eyes. "Come on, let's go eat lunch." He told them, ignoring the cries of complaint.

But it seemed James had another idea. "Moony, I don't want any lunch. I just had some tandoori owl." Another series of gasps erupted from the first years as Sirius agreed. Sighing, Remus grabbed them both by their ears. "It's a wonder I hang out with the likes of you." He grumbled as he pulled them towards the Great Hall.

Before long, lunch began. As the friends ate in silence, Remus realized his friends had to be planning something else. Setting down his fork, he glared at the two dark haired boys. "What exactly are you two planning?" As if on cue, the owls came in to deliver the mail. They weren't the normal mail owls, though. These owls were tie-dyed. They were blue, yellow, and pink. Every color an owl wasn't supposed to be, it was.

He turned his attention back to James and Sirius, who seemed to be watching a certain owl approach the Slytherins. Remus watched in horror as the owl began to take out its claws. "Lucius!" he called to the blond haired boy. "Watch out!"

With just enough time, Lucius and the rest of the Slytherins ducked away. "Aw, Moony! You totally ruined our fun!" complained James.

"Yeah, you're such a party pooper." Sirius added.

With a sigh, I stood up and glared at them. "Just because you two think the rules don't apply to you, doesn't mean that the rest of the school has to suffer."


End file.
